Situation here dismal. I’m going nuts. Have tried to keep my spirits up but being watched and criticized constantly has cracked me. I can’t wait to leave. Every time I walk by a window in this house I want to break it. Every time I pass one of my two cohabitants, I want to trip them and start swearing, and maybe even toss in a punch or two for good measure.

The school director has suggested I give up my children’s class. At first she presented the option as though it were a courtesy to me, since the kids are monsters. But no. It soon became apparent that she wants me out.

I may not be experienced but I’m not that bad. One kid — I would have hated her even when I was young because she’s mean-spirited and arrogant — complained that she can’t understand my English. I have two things to say to her about that: 1) if you would shut up for a second, you might, and 2) if you don’t want to try to understand a native speaker, your time might be better spent studying something else, like becoming a meter maid or something else befitting your character.

The girl’s mother also complained that the child hasn’t filled out exercises in her workbook. “You must get them to do the workbook,” Magdalena admonished. In he next breath she acknowledged my observation that the workbook is far too hard for them. “But the parents paid a lot of money for that book and they check to see the work.” Interestingly, I have been using the workbook as the backbone, against my better judgment. But the mother is right. The daughter hasn’t done the work in the book. Why? The daughter often forgets to bring the book to class.

Rather than stand behind me as an administer ought, Magdalena is deferring to pressure from parents. Much easier to blame me for the problem. But I’m not going to stand down, even though my confidence is in shards.

At the same time, I know there are millions of things I’m fecking up. I don’t know how to work with kids — I specifically said that I didn’t want to — and I have much to learn. But I’ve been pouring my soul into these classes, preparing all kinds of extra materials exercises to try to help them understand.

It’s hard when both my “home” situation and my work one are sources of constant strife and criticism. I was to get together with my peers today but I wrote to Sarah & Kim saying I just wanted to be alone. Both called me. I am grateful for such wonderful colleagues.

I will try not to complain any more this post. All I can say is that SIT is going to hear reams from me about this experience. Luckily, the other three who are teaching at the university are having great experiences. I wish… Oh well. It doesn’t matter now.