Waiting for a decision from SIT may be as difficult as it was to wait for stubborn Lulu to be born during those two weeks after her due date. These days, for better and worse, the longer I wait the more I am certain that this is the path I want to take next: better, if I get in; worse, if I don’t.

Last night I was reading The Third Chapter, which drives me crazy with its flowery language and well-intentioned new-agey-ness, but which has abundant pockets of inspiring wisdom. I added more excerpts to my post about the book. As I did, I began to see the dim outlines of a possible direction to take my thesis. Yes, I said my thesis. As if it isn’t bad enough that I started this blog without having been admitted to the program, now I’m planning the thesis. I am really scaring myself. What will happen to my soul if they turn me away?

Still, I’ll jot down last night’s thoughts here: I think it could be interesting to do something about the ESL-learner who is in the so-called Third Chapter. If I do this program, I will be a Third-Chapter learner myself. The author has identified some interesting trends and characteristics of people in late middle-age. I recognize them in myself as I careen into my fifty-sixth year. I wonder if some are universal tendencies. Perhaps my teaching focus could be on these older learners who are not only trying to survive in a new language, but who are in a remarkable phase in the human life cycle. To deepen my perceptions, maybe I’d also have to study a second language myself throughout my ESL studies — or learn a different kind of language that’s alien to me, like dance or music.

I am so anxious. I’m trying to channel my tension constructively, but virtually everything I do or don’t do hinges on the admissions outcome. I can’t make plans for anything if, in three weeks, I’ll be packing up my car and driving cross-country. Nor can I get a jump-start on logistics while I’m waiting. Like, I can’t rent out my house because I may need to live in it. But the more time that passes, the more difficult it will be to rent it out furnished. According the UC housing person, it would have been late to try to rent it a month ago…

You can see how my brain spirals toward panic. I’ll try to slam on the brakes for now. Sometimes I wish I could just settle in with a glass or two of champagne, to take the edge off. Oh well.